Josh Works. Kinda'

Blog.

It's been awhile.

Let's not make this awkward.

Recently, I opened an e-mail* and was promptly donkey-punched for my efforts. Not literally. That'd be weird. I mean, think about it, why would I stop to check my phone if I was involved in a situation where I could possibly be donkey punched? Also, I don't involve myself in situations where I could possibly be donkey-punched.

The e-mail informed me that Tony n' Tina would finally be able to take their honeymoon. This was surprising, as previous non-donkey punch e-mails indicated there was going to be a nice, healthy, thirty show fall extension. Which was true, if by "thirty" you meant "five," and by "extension," you meant "Desperate Hail Mary pass."

Around that same time, our rarely inhabitable state was struck with an unseasonable blizzard, enraging the passive aggressive citizens, and delighting only Eric Webster. And while Minnesotans make merry sport of bitching about the weather no matter what it's doing, I was one of the select few that had a legitimate bitch, as the cold snap cost me many a'shift at ya old Bunker Hills golf course. Apparently, the die hard golfers are so close to death, they can't risk it when the temps dip below thirty.

Essentially, I was out of both jobs in the span of twenty-four hours. And while I knew this day was coming, both were limping towards the finish line, I was positive I had another two months at both as well. God sensed my confidence, and intervened.

In the meantime, I've been scrambling to find whatever employment I could procure, the only guideline being "If I have to go back to temping, I'm going to slit my wrists and make it look like a paper cut!"

It's a widely known fact that my main motivator in life is spite. Ask any dick that's pissed me off. However, this experience has taught me that an equally powerful motivator is being out of options.

Here are some results that sprang up as I entered the "Well, Let's See if THIS Works..." phase of my life:

* The Minnesota Timberwolves called me. And they asked me if I enjoyed drinking. I answered with a positive sounding grunt, as I was quite toasted. They asked if I enjoyed hanging out with unattainable women. I sent them a twitter pic on my upper arm, which is where I cut myself, just to make sure I can still feel pain. And they said, "How would you like to essentially bar-hop before every home game, with a few of the dancers, giving out t-shirts, tickets, and generally just being the loud guy at the bar, but also getting paid for it?

So, yeah, that's how I became the Loud Guy before all 41 home games of the MN Timberwolves season. You want yourself a free t-shirt? I am so far down, I'd have to clear that with several people. WOOT!

* Creatively, I approached the BLB asking them what dates they had available. They told me. I told them I have a show. They said, "Great! Sign this legally binding contract!" I signed it. I said, "Just kidding about having the show." They shrugged and said, "Whatever, either a show or you give us money."

And that's how my upcoming sketch comedy show was born! Therefore, opening Jan. 7th, is "The Wedding Party presents 'And That's When Things Got Weird..."

The Wedding Party being myself, Andy "Ricky the Caterer" Kraft, John "Dominic, the other groomsmen" Zeiler, Emily "Connie, the preggo Maid of Honor" Hansen, and Maria "Donna, the other bridesmaid" Stukey. All of displaced interactive theatre performers, all of just a little bit off in what we think is funny. Which at every rehearsal thus far has just been body noises we think are funny, however only during intercourse.

* Another development is still kind of a secret, so I'll reveal to you what I can: Remember when [FOND MEMORY DELETED]? Well, [IDENTITY OF NOUN DELETED] enjoyed it [LEVEL OF ENJOYMENT DELETED] that [PRONOUN DELETED] said [DIALOGUE DELETED] So I should [SUGGESTED COURSE OF ACTION DELETED], and it works [IDEALIZED FORECAST OF FUTURE DELETED] until it falls off?

What do you think? [COMMENTS DISABLED]

*Which I can now do from anywhere now, as I have a new fancy phone. Cause I'm classy. Bet you didn't know that