Hi, I'm Martin Blank, you remember me? I'm not married, I don't have any kids, but I'd blow your head off if someone paid me enough.

LESSONS LEARNED AT MY TEN-YEAR REUNION:

1. Sure, I was dragging my feet in deciding to to check "Yes" in the well-sent in advance invite, but I had my reasons! After all, I'm a hitman completely detached from society and afraid of confronting of my last remaining shred of humanity in the form of my high-school sweetheart, whom I ditched on the night of our senior Prom. There's also the fact that the lives of my best friend and I are not as super-awesome as we thought, so we planned on purchasing business suits and epically huge mobiles and claiming one of us invented Post-Its, while the other decided to make them yellow. And on top of all that, my old high school band, The Darnells, want me to perform with them onstage, but I'm worried that everybody will make fun of how fat I've gotten. My wife Harriet has a fool-proof diet that'll help me out, but it won't get to the core of my real problem: Stage fright. Of course, I may be confusing all my problems for not wanting to go with the plots of movies and one episode of Family Matters, but all reasons are just excuses, and the real reason is that everybody is nervous about attending these things. And there you go.
2. Indecision leads to getting scheduled at work when you should've had the forthright to take the night off well in advance, and that ends up pissing you off. However, it all ends up being a cosmic lesson, since the wedding you're scheduled to bar tend is wall-to-wall Preggo's, and you make it to the reunion in time for dinner anyhow. So, you know, make up your mind quicker...if you have time.
3. While it's been ten years, fill a room with alumni of your high school and tables, they will only see the cafeteria, and place themselves accordingly. The cliques you thought long since passed will emerge once again, despite the fact that we're just a buncha' a-holes with debt now.
4. Much like the real-life President, our class President has no business speaking in public.
5. While I can speak publicly, oftentimes I shouldn't, because I'll end up joking about the many stabbings that take place at Time Out in Blaine, directly after someone just won a gift certificate to Time Out in Blaine.
6. Everybody vocally wondered why I wasn't famous yet. Several times. In varying degrees of awkward social situations.
7. While most reunions will have contests like "Who's Been Married the Longest?" They really want to be having contests like "Who's Had the Most Marriages?" Those contests are held in secret at every one's table.
8. Just because there's a twelve-year-old DJ, don't mean anybody gonna' bust a move.
9. Michael Phelps has the ability to make the world stop. Don't tell me that guy's not a supervillain. Why a villain? Have you ever seen a superhero with a male Butter Face?
10. Though well known in high-school, I thought it was for all the wrong reasons, and I never considered myself popular. Apparently, there were groups of people who considered me a part of the popular group. I took that as a compliment, and not a horrible judge of who the popular people were.
11. I was making fun of my Waterama friends for being busted on the "I bet you don't even know my name!" encounter. I mocked and told them they deserved it. Apparently, I deserved it as well.
12. I have no idea what the hell I was writing about in my Senior Will back in 1998. I'm sure it was fairly hilarious at the time, but the only incidents that I still had vivid memories about involved nudity. You always remember the naked people.
13. There are so many fucking babies now. Literal ones, not metaphorical.
14. Though everyone still pretty much stuck around, you can tell we all intended on partying hard in Blaine that evening, as we all called our Moms at one point asking if we could couch in our old room/couch/floor of the computer room where we would later pass out.
15. If getting a cab isn't an option, it's good to have a buddy who's a cop. A buddy that's an off-duty cop.
16. You can tell he's off-duty, because he does nothing when a man breaks a bottle over the head of another man at the table next to you. Apparently, it was too crowded at Time Out in Blaine.
17. Our Facebook friendship requests have sky-rocketed!
18. After drinking all night with your nearly thirty-year-old classmates, it's not wise to bitch about your hangover at work the next day by saying, "I feel like I'm still drunk." Because the passage that will hold resonance with your co-workers and superiors is "I'm still drunk."

All in all, the reunion was an unexpectedly great time, and I look forward to creating excuses about not going, but eventually attending at the last minute the fifteen year, with even more babies and second and third marriages.