Josh Makes the Commitment

I'm always delighted to receive a phone-call from the first lady of Twin Cities comedy, Lauren Anderson. She is a great conversationalist and I most assuredly will be introduced to a new series of nonsense noises or randomly linked words that express both joy and frustration (eg. Killah Aramadillah!) The latest conversation would prove both statements to be true.

It's not uncommon for Lauren and I to start the day with a walk around Lake Calhoun (Being an actor and/or comedian means we usually have most mornings, days, and evenings free to devote time to this habit). However, we generally stick to the warmer six months out of the year. I tend to whine in the cold. And extreme heat. And when it's "too nice."

However, instead of asking "Do you want to walk around the lake in the morning?" Lauren asked, "Can you commit to walking around the lake with me in the morning?"

This was brilliant phrasing. Because here is how Josh's brain will respond to both questions:

QUESTION: Do you want to walk around the lake in the morning?

JOSH'S BRAIN: Sure. I want to. And I'm able. But, will I? It depends on the weather, how hungover I am, whether or not I wake up at my apartment. I'll say yes now, but give me some wiggle room, in case of emergency and/or laziness. I won't even have to call to cancel. That's why text messaging was invented. And, you know what else? Boobs are friggin' fantastic.

QUESTION: Can you commit to walking around the lake in the morning?

JOSH'S BRAIN: Shit. She's onto me. She knows the second I make a promise, I immediately begin to figure out a way to safely break that promise! What kind of game is playing? Who is she working for?! If I say yes, I have to to do it. If I say no, she can rightfully call me a pussy. Oh, well played Anderson. Well played. And, you know what else? Boobs are friggin' fantastic.

Lauren's phrasing adds instant accountability to your promises and actions! It also gives you instant guilt, which is second greatest motivator. (The first is spite)

And, I ended up walking around the lake. Ergo, I've decided to start phrasing my goals and to-do lists a bit differently. We'll see how long that lasts before I find a loophole.

WHY THIS WEEKEND SCARES ME:
My mom wants me to go see Last House on the Left with her this weekend. She was an avid fan of the original, watching it over something like twelve times at the Drive-In near her house (And then not remembering a thing about it thirty-seven years later). Now, I'm usually a fan of horror movies, but something about this movie makes me feel like it's not the "fun" kind of horror movie. It's the "Wow, this is overwhelmingly horrible and disturbing and just plain awful" kind of horror. And I've also been reading the reviews, and I wonder if I want to be sitting next to my mother as I watch an "uncomfortably lengthy and gratuitous rape scene."

YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO BE DONKEY PUNCHED?
Taylor Swift. Specifically for her song Love Story. For the following reasons:

• It's the kind of "pop" song that should only exist in an eighties comedy during the end credits, in which every character becomes animated and sums up the movie we just watched, so we really hammer home the point that she was a human the entire time, so it was okay for Andrew McCarthy to have sex with the mannequin.
• The first couple of times I heard the song, I thought she was saying "See the lights/See them party with ball gags." The actual lyric is "See the lights/See the party, the ball gowns." Taylor Swift either needs to enunciate or commit!
• The following lyrics have not been altered: That you were Romeo/You were throwing pebbles/And my daddy said stay away from Juliet - So, okay, he is Romeo, but your dad wants you to stay away from Juliet? Who is Juliet? Is there a third person in this scenario? What's going on? Who are we talking about? Who are you talking to? If this guy is both Romeo and Juliet, maybe you should be staying away from him. And later on, when you call yourself "The Scarlet Letter" -- have you actually READ any of the things you're thinking about? You just called yourself a whore, and if you're in some kinda' sick twisted three-way with a couple of your art-house friends, I'm not entirely sure you're wrong.
  

Taylor Swift, you need to be donkey-punched.