Josh Launches Apartment Hunt '09

My time in the in 1986 Apartment is nearing its end. True there was a brief flirtation with escape back in December, but then Minnesota couldn't choose a senator, which somehow effected my living situation. (Growing up, I always knew that Stuart Smalley would somehow f me over.) However, come May 31st, BatShit Crazy moves back in for two months before she dupes another poor soul into paying to house sit for her.

And thus, Apartment Hunt '09 has launched. Apartment Hunt '08 was conducted a bit hastily, hence a land-lady who lets herself in whenever she wants, suggests I sleep in a hammock instead of a bed, and makes me read her mail, so in order to remedy the next nine-months to a year of my life, I'm gonna' lay out some ground rules:

• While I do love Uptown, I think my time here has come to an end. Uptown tenants thrive on either being edgy and non-conformist, or desperately pretending to be edgy and non-conformist. Ergo, they don't go to bed ever. Also, they steal my mail. I may just be basing this off of my downstairs neighbors who don't go to bed, and steal my mail. (Turns out, this was sanctioned by BatShit Crazy when she thought either I, or the post office themselves, were stealing her mail. None of this was resolved through conversation) (And don't worry, I got my revenge on the downstairs neighbors by accidentally breaking into their place twice, once while they were in their underwear. Which was probably made of hemp.) Anyhow, I like quiet. I'm old damn it. I can't take rock and rolling all night, but I like partying everyday. I just want it to stop at seven or eight. Hello St. Paul!
• I think I need to have a roommate. A roommate makes me (somewhat) accountable. Because if there's no one around, I'm very happy to set shop in my own mess, and have been know to forge pillows and beanbag-ish chairs out of dirty laundry I take off and leave on the floor whenever I feel like it. You know that song "Someone to Watch Over Me?" I think while it's primarily sung by females, it's really about males. Specifically me. I think Gershwin at one point knew that Josh Carson would exist, and he'd be "Not Great" at it.
• Money's a little tight. I don't know how that happened.
  
  CUT BACK TO AUGUST OF 2008

JOSH: I know! I'll go back to acting!!!

CUT BACK TO 2009:

JOSH: What is plasma? Do you need plasma? I'm pretty sure you don't need plasma.

Mainly I'm writing this missive to ask you sexy readers a questions: What has two thumbs and needs a room for about 650-700 in the Uptown-ish area -- maybe Linden Hills, maybe Nokomis -- by June 1st? THIS GUY!

Also, if you own a building and I call you to rent in that building, I want to rent in that specific building. I don't want to live on Dupont. No one wants to live on Dupont! Ask anyone living on Dupont what's the best part about living on Dupont, and they'll say "Knowing one day I'll no longer be living on Dupont."

Josh Has Six Months To Live

There are worse things in this world than turning thirty. Turning forty for example. However, none of those things are currently happening directly to me, though rest assured my bitching shall not be silenced when they do.

Actually, turning thirty isn't even happening directly to me. Not just yet. April 7th marks the halfway point. Or the final countdown if you will. (And that's not me being negative. As soon as someone writes a rock anthem called "Halfway Point," I will be happy to just reference that)

I have an important decision to make this day: Do I spend the next six months adultifying my life -- activities including being able to pay for bills, not using various floors in my apartment as a hamper, and having more in my fridge than a leftover piece of veggie pizza even though I consider veggie pizza the same thing as Epicac Pizza? -- or do I just enjoy the hell out of twenties and hope things will work themselves out somehow?

I think you'll see the route I went with as I present my "Six Months to Live" list:

• First of all, I've spent the first six months getting back into regular acting gigs. Coincidentally, that's also when I started going broke again, but whatevs. Being a part of Tony N' Tina's Wedding has fulfilled many list items, as its been the most fun I've had doing a show since college, and at the risk of being over sentimental, become a part of a family that I know will be around long after the show suddenly closes next weekend -- an unlikely occurrence we're constantly reminded could occur at any moment.

As for the rest:

• Jump out of an airplane - Either sanctioned or while making a daring get away from bad guys.
• Run one or multiple 5K's - Some people say this should be a marathon, but F that. I still adults shouldn't run. Ever. Have you ever watched an adult run? It's unnatural. Like a dog playing pool.
• Water Park Vacation - Water parks are the best. As I can't afford too extreme a vacation, it'll likely just be a two day trip to Noah's Ark this summer. Who's with me?
• Start Writing Again - This is an ongoing quest for me, one which I will write about at greater lengths later. This is the one I'm taking the most seriously. Not that jumping out of a plane shouldn't be taken seriously.
• Meet my future pet, Pug Jack Bauer.
• Create a bidding war at a bachelor auction.
• Save the economy - This is one is just selfish, because I'm sick of everyone blaming the hard economic times for everything, including speeding tickets and infidelity.
• Crash a parade -- Actually, I can check that one off. St. Patrick's Day
• Become someone's favorite person.
  
• Lock myself out of my apartment twice. -- Again, check. Again, St. Patrick's Day.
  
• Win the hand of an unlikely lady love in an extremely public forum, ala every Adam Sandler movie. The music of Journey will also be involved.
• On a very separate occasion, be at an event, blare Journey's "Any Way You Want It" with the intent that yes, indeed, we are all gonna' get laid.
• Learn to cook something other than Chef Boy R Dee and hot dogs. Apparently, you can't live off of those.
• Get married on the clock tower at Universal Studios. That's really more of a life goal.

I think that's a nice healthy start. Some goals easy, some lofty, but all of them something that can only be done by a twenty-nine year old.

Unless thirty's the new twenty-five. It can't be the new twenty. Thirty was the new twenty five years ago. So, you know. Math applied.