"I thought winning wasn't important." "For me winning isn't. You do." "Great grammar."

Golf is a game of intense relaxation.

Ask any that partake in the sport, and they'll tell you that it's the greatest stress reliever they've ever known. They say this as they scream, pout, swear at whatever can hear them, destroy things made by both mother nature and man, openly weep into their five or six Southern Hospitality's (That's Southern Comfort, Red Bull, and some Raspberry Schnapps), and tomorrow at 7:20 in the morning, they'll do it all over again.

Unless wind mills or a giant dinosaur were involved, I'd never been into golf. The cart driving and the drinking-while-cart-driving appealed to me, but the ball hitting kept getting in the way of my proposed cart races.

That was until a few weeks ago when one of many nineteen-year-old co-workers asked if I wanted to join them on the executive after my shift. I didn't have anything to do for the next four hours, and nothing makes me feel like young-at-heart by being the "hip" uncle that takes the kids out for an afternoon on the ol' greens.

I discovered several things about golf and myself that afternoon:

1. Hitting a small, immobile ball that rests atop a very accessible piece of wood in any direction is remarkably harder than I thought it would be. Making things move is the easiest thing to do in the world, and yet, that ball quickly became my white not-quite-a-whale.
2. If it takes you more than ten strokes, it's best to just make it a friendly unscored game, and cheating is not only acceptable, but highly encouraged.
3. Everybody is a better golfer than you. You can tell, because everybody has a tip on how to improve your golf game. This includes when to lock and unlock your arms, where your feet go, the right squat position (Which I've discovered is somewhere in between sitting in an invisible chair, and....well, you know, on an invisible toilet). None of these tips will help you, but you will thank the person for giving it to you.
4. Even though it's extremely hard, swiping the tee out from underneath the ball, getting it to hang there as if it were a Road Runner cartoon before dropping to the ground in the exact place your tee once stood, is not rewarded with bonus points. Also, rocketing the ball backwards instead of forward, another unique talent, is equally frowned upon.
5. Despite using expressions like "washing my ball" "Choke up on your wood" and "Oh, F Me in the A-hole!" you're honestly expected not to laugh.
6. You have to declare a practice swing before you even take the swing, because people don't believe it's a practice swing if you declare it after you miss the ball and unleash a litany of curse words you weren't even aware you knew.
7. Men and women are still very much unequal on the golf course, to the point where they can start playing from different locales. Also, if you don't make it past the women's tee from the men's position, you have to play the rest of the game with your pants around your ankles. Which, amazingly, improved my game by about ten strokes.

After taking more than four hours to complete those nine holes (Actually eight and a half), I realized I finally found something that combines drinking-while-driving-a-cart and mini-golf: Actual golf! True, there's no dinosaur or wind mill, but my own inability and lack of coordination serves as just as goofy obstacles.

I've gone from never golfing in my entire life, to going out there four times in the last week. I fully expect to be able to keep score by summer's end.

So, if you're ever up for a friendly afternoon game, and are cool with not keeping score, and have an unending amount of patience and enough imagination to pretend that I'm your small, slightly retarded five-year-old, gimmie a call.*

I'm already getting better, because I now make contact with the ball 70% of the time as opposed to 30, and my last time out, I only lost five balls, four tee's, and two sandals.

Don't ask....because I really couldn't tell you.

*Or if you just like a free shit.