Enough anguish, enough torment. It's time to dance.

How is that I have virtually nothing going on in my life and yet there's still not enough time in the day to make this blog actually daily instead of fake daily?

Anyhow, this past weekend was ridiculously fun, and here's a few capsulated reviews for your eating enjoyment:

Chris Rock
Chris Rock told us jokes for a good hour and fifteen minutes, and as predicted, there are numerous differences between black men and white men, as well as a number of differences between black women and white women, however we're all startlingly similar in several arenas as well. Our love for pussy and money for example. Not always in that order.

I could tell you some of my favorite jokes, but it's just not the same unless I'm there to recreate the joke with my shockingly accurate and slightly racist Chris Rock voice.

And while all was hilarious in Chris Rock-land, the show did end up feeling a little long. An hour and a half is a long-time to be telling jokes. To paraphrase another legendary stand-up*, Chris Rock's show was like eating pancakes: he started off strong, but by the end you were just fucking sick of 'em.

The Dark Knight
Everything you've heard is not hype. It's accurate. This movie is amazing. Opening frame to final credit, this is a masterpiece of a movie. It's beautiful, it's suspenseful, it's intense, it's dark, it's funny, it's modern-day Shakespeare.

Not only did this movie make me spooge, but I'm pretty sure it made my spooge spooge.

And you can use that on the poster Warner Bros.

Neil Diamond
Now, I understand that I've been hyping up this concert in this blog, on my Facebook, in everyday conversation, hell, I'd wake up every fifteen minutes screaming "Neil!" for a couple of weeks there, so one would assume that short of the revelation that Neil Diamond is the real-life Dark Knight, I'd walk away disappointed.

Well, I did not. I had a great time.

True, Neil's not as spry as he once was, and the cheesy showman has given way to a somber musical raconteur, but it's still Neil. He's still awesome. And you all still want to party with him.

I mean, come on! He's sixty-seven years old! My grandpa's sixty-seven and he can't turn on the TV without the garage door opening. Neil's selling out stadiums and making old ladies everywhere forget that they can't spare the moisture.

I was a little upset with Neil, because he didn't close the show with "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show," which would be a lot like Jesus doing everything he did in his life, but then opting to finish his dinner instead of dying for our sins.

I made my feelings known at that tail-end of the concert:

CUT TO X-CEL ENERGY CENTER

(Josh frantically beats on the rail in front of him, foam pouring out his mouth.)

JOSH. YOU'RE NOT DONE YET OLD MAN! YOU SING THE F-ING SONG YOU'RE MOST FAMOUS FOR! GET BACK ON THAT STAGE! DANCE MONKEY!!!!!! DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CUT BACK TO THE BLOG

Turns out he did end up singing it during the Sunday show. Which is the show my mom attended. So, it begs the question, why would Neil sing that song to my mom, and not to me?

Well, the answer is obvious: Neil Diamond is trying to bang my mom.

And I could not be more okay with that.

And now, now I'm just supposed to go back to my real-life and pretend that this was just another weekend. Oh, cruel Fortuna! What fresh hell have you spun me into now!?**

Oh, if you're wracking your brain trying to figure out what movie the quote is from, don't bother. Neil said it at his show. Before he started singing a song with my mom's picture taped to the back of his guitar no doubt.

*Mitch Hedburg
** Kudos and oral sex to whomever gets that reference.