Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark's in the water. Our shark.

This past weekend I made a great big to-do over taking three days off, labeling it a "vacation," and taking that vacation 128 miles west of the cities to Glenwood, MN on what the website describes as the beautiful shores of Lake Minnewaska for the life-changing event that is Waterama.

I announce to people that I'm attending Waterama, taking the required three second pause before actually saying "Waterama," which is usually responded with a dramatic pause-less "What is Waterama?" (Occasionally, the very ill-informed call it by an inaccurate moniker such as Water Days, Water Fest, Waterworld, and one time, Water Man. Seriously? Water man!?)

Again, the website tells us that Waterama is an exciting weekend with its 100-unit parade, kiddie parade, lighted pontoon parade, water shows, pageants, dances, sporting events, and running races, as well a variety, days that are crazy*, and state-of-the-art fireworks, making it the largest celebration of its kind in Western Central Minnesota.

Friends, that press release doesn't even begin to describe it.

Waterama is skipping the gym on Thursday, because you know that Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be spent eating and drinking like an asshole, with cheap beer, corn dogs, various grilled meats, and an endless pizza buffet.

Waterama is when everyone gets back to nature. By that I mean, everyone pees in the lake, and pretends that we're not all peeing in the lake.

Waterama is drinking so much that a closet looks like a bathroom to you at three in the morning.

Waterama, for some, is a yearly high-school reunion in which the less popular feel the need to serve the once-popular their comeuppance for their teenage years by vehemently challenging them to remember their name six beers deep.

Waterama is burying the hatchet with old adversaries, only to discover a new hatchet when they can't decide who owes who a drink.

Waterama is stealing your parents boat and not wanting to, not because they told you not to, but because it's just too much work.

Waterama is stealing Shawn's Miller Chill's when he's not looking. Which is a lot.

Waterama is acquiring too much sun in either a business transaction or quite literally.

Waterama is knowing that whatever happens at this Waterama cannot be told until five Wateramas from now.

Waterama is tying all the boats together, and then discussing the chances of survival were a zombie attack to invade the mainland, failing to take into consideration the zombies can walk on the lake floor like the pirate skeletons in the Disney film, because they're already dead and can't drown. Then they'll crawl up the anchor we've stupidly kept down and eat us all.

Waterama is the realization that we've been taught how to use life-jackets wrong all of our lives. You gotta' diaper it. Much more comfortable. Less life saving though.

Waterama is refusing to let another man put sun-screen on your back for fear of how it looks while wearing a life-jacket as a diaper.

Waterama is not Torgarama, this year more than ever.

Waterama is doing at least one stupid thing, such as riding the four-wheeler through the forest from one house to another, only to realize that fences not only keep the animals in, but keep Four-Wheel riding hooligans out, and then you gotta' check yourself for ticks, and anything that ends with checking yourselves for ticks is just stupid.

Waterama is passing out by nine o'clock on the second night, because nobody goes out on the second night.

Waterama is not eating chicken at the Pizza Ranch, and being threatened with Waterama banishment for daring to skip a Waterwama stage for a previous engagement that isn't the loss of a limb.

Waterama has been known to cause seizures.

Waterama has its own, limitless energy, that enables you to swim from boat-to-boat while not sacrificing your beer.

Waterama is fun still, but not double-decker pontoon fun.

Waterama does not forget, nor does it forgive.

Basically, Waterama is Waterama, and to know Waterama is to love Waterama.

Unless you grew up in Glenwood, in which case, you're pretty f-ing sick of Waterama.

*My phrasing, not theirs.