Josh Has Six Months To Live

There are worse things in this world than turning thirty. Turning forty for example. However, none of those things are currently happening directly to me, though rest assured my bitching shall not be silenced when they do.

Actually, turning thirty isn't even happening directly to me. Not just yet. April 7th marks the halfway point. Or the final countdown if you will. (And that's not me being negative. As soon as someone writes a rock anthem called "Halfway Point," I will be happy to just reference that)

I have an important decision to make this day: Do I spend the next six months adultifying my life -- activities including being able to pay for bills, not using various floors in my apartment as a hamper, and having more in my fridge than a leftover piece of veggie pizza even though I consider veggie pizza the same thing as Epicac Pizza? -- or do I just enjoy the hell out of twenties and hope things will work themselves out somehow?

I think you'll see the route I went with as I present my "Six Months to Live" list:

• First of all, I've spent the first six months getting back into regular acting gigs. Coincidentally, that's also when I started going broke again, but whatevs. Being a part of Tony N' Tina's Wedding has fulfilled many list items, as its been the most fun I've had doing a show since college, and at the risk of being over sentimental, become a part of a family that I know will be around long after the show suddenly closes next weekend -- an unlikely occurrence we're constantly reminded could occur at any moment.

As for the rest:

• Jump out of an airplane - Either sanctioned or while making a daring get away from bad guys.
• Run one or multiple 5K's - Some people say this should be a marathon, but F that. I still adults shouldn't run. Ever. Have you ever watched an adult run? It's unnatural. Like a dog playing pool.
• Water Park Vacation - Water parks are the best. As I can't afford too extreme a vacation, it'll likely just be a two day trip to Noah's Ark this summer. Who's with me?
• Start Writing Again - This is an ongoing quest for me, one which I will write about at greater lengths later. This is the one I'm taking the most seriously. Not that jumping out of a plane shouldn't be taken seriously.
• Meet my future pet, Pug Jack Bauer.
• Create a bidding war at a bachelor auction.
• Save the economy - This is one is just selfish, because I'm sick of everyone blaming the hard economic times for everything, including speeding tickets and infidelity.
• Crash a parade -- Actually, I can check that one off. St. Patrick's Day
• Become someone's favorite person.
  
• Lock myself out of my apartment twice. -- Again, check. Again, St. Patrick's Day.
  
• Win the hand of an unlikely lady love in an extremely public forum, ala every Adam Sandler movie. The music of Journey will also be involved.
• On a very separate occasion, be at an event, blare Journey's "Any Way You Want It" with the intent that yes, indeed, we are all gonna' get laid.
• Learn to cook something other than Chef Boy R Dee and hot dogs. Apparently, you can't live off of those.
• Get married on the clock tower at Universal Studios. That's really more of a life goal.

I think that's a nice healthy start. Some goals easy, some lofty, but all of them something that can only be done by a twenty-nine year old.

Unless thirty's the new twenty-five. It can't be the new twenty. Thirty was the new twenty five years ago. So, you know. Math applied.

Josh Makes the Commitment

I'm always delighted to receive a phone-call from the first lady of Twin Cities comedy, Lauren Anderson. She is a great conversationalist and I most assuredly will be introduced to a new series of nonsense noises or randomly linked words that express both joy and frustration (eg. Killah Aramadillah!) The latest conversation would prove both statements to be true.

It's not uncommon for Lauren and I to start the day with a walk around Lake Calhoun (Being an actor and/or comedian means we usually have most mornings, days, and evenings free to devote time to this habit). However, we generally stick to the warmer six months out of the year. I tend to whine in the cold. And extreme heat. And when it's "too nice."

However, instead of asking "Do you want to walk around the lake in the morning?" Lauren asked, "Can you commit to walking around the lake with me in the morning?"

This was brilliant phrasing. Because here is how Josh's brain will respond to both questions:

QUESTION: Do you want to walk around the lake in the morning?

JOSH'S BRAIN: Sure. I want to. And I'm able. But, will I? It depends on the weather, how hungover I am, whether or not I wake up at my apartment. I'll say yes now, but give me some wiggle room, in case of emergency and/or laziness. I won't even have to call to cancel. That's why text messaging was invented. And, you know what else? Boobs are friggin' fantastic.

QUESTION: Can you commit to walking around the lake in the morning?

JOSH'S BRAIN: Shit. She's onto me. She knows the second I make a promise, I immediately begin to figure out a way to safely break that promise! What kind of game is playing? Who is she working for?! If I say yes, I have to to do it. If I say no, she can rightfully call me a pussy. Oh, well played Anderson. Well played. And, you know what else? Boobs are friggin' fantastic.

Lauren's phrasing adds instant accountability to your promises and actions! It also gives you instant guilt, which is second greatest motivator. (The first is spite)

And, I ended up walking around the lake. Ergo, I've decided to start phrasing my goals and to-do lists a bit differently. We'll see how long that lasts before I find a loophole.

WHY THIS WEEKEND SCARES ME:
My mom wants me to go see Last House on the Left with her this weekend. She was an avid fan of the original, watching it over something like twelve times at the Drive-In near her house (And then not remembering a thing about it thirty-seven years later). Now, I'm usually a fan of horror movies, but something about this movie makes me feel like it's not the "fun" kind of horror movie. It's the "Wow, this is overwhelmingly horrible and disturbing and just plain awful" kind of horror. And I've also been reading the reviews, and I wonder if I want to be sitting next to my mother as I watch an "uncomfortably lengthy and gratuitous rape scene."

YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO BE DONKEY PUNCHED?
Taylor Swift. Specifically for her song Love Story. For the following reasons:

• It's the kind of "pop" song that should only exist in an eighties comedy during the end credits, in which every character becomes animated and sums up the movie we just watched, so we really hammer home the point that she was a human the entire time, so it was okay for Andrew McCarthy to have sex with the mannequin.
• The first couple of times I heard the song, I thought she was saying "See the lights/See them party with ball gags." The actual lyric is "See the lights/See the party, the ball gowns." Taylor Swift either needs to enunciate or commit!
• The following lyrics have not been altered: That you were Romeo/You were throwing pebbles/And my daddy said stay away from Juliet - So, okay, he is Romeo, but your dad wants you to stay away from Juliet? Who is Juliet? Is there a third person in this scenario? What's going on? Who are we talking about? Who are you talking to? If this guy is both Romeo and Juliet, maybe you should be staying away from him. And later on, when you call yourself "The Scarlet Letter" -- have you actually READ any of the things you're thinking about? You just called yourself a whore, and if you're in some kinda' sick twisted three-way with a couple of your art-house friends, I'm not entirely sure you're wrong.
  

Taylor Swift, you need to be donkey-punched.

Josh Plugs Tony and Tina's Wedding

Josh is Introduced to Interactive Theater

The past weekend was the culmination of the rehearsal process of Tony N' Tina's Wedding, which basically consisted of about six performances of the show. Which, I know, would technically mean we've already opened the show since there's paying audience, but it's more like a soft opening, with the hard opening being still on the 15th*

I've been asked if I've ever done interactive theater before this, and I've always replied with a reluctant yes. After this weekend, the reluctance can finally grow a pair and be confident with its reply. Up until that point, however, occasionally teasing an audience member or bringing some lucky (And, let's be honest, probably hot) girl in the audience for a little extremely structured comedy (And direct rejection afterward) has been audience participation, not audience interaction.

And there's no real way to rehearse that, since a rehearsal audience is a real audience.

And after my first (soft) weekend with TnT, here's what I've learned:

* We gradually began to bring the audience into the mix. Our first official preview was on Wednesday, but Monday and Tuesday before, we brought in a quaint little crowd (About 15 or so both nights). It was extremely useful, however, I feel kinda' bad for those fifteen since the audience-starved cast was so eager to interact, we essentially comedy-raped them.

* There are two types of audience members at these shows: One that is more than willing to play along with the environment (They tend to skew older. And, even then, occasionally, the eager-to-play lady is actually horribly confused why people keep calling the wedding a show) and another audience member who feels it's their personal mission in life to reveal that everything around them is pretend, like they're Laurence Fishburne uncovering The Matrix to the rest of the audiences Keanu Reeves.

* The "Mascot Rule**" firmly applies here. I can do anything with these people, and they will clap and ask for more. Hit on wives in front of their husbands, blatantly ogle, rub your face all over their mullet, challenge their masculinity via beverage choice, use a strand of their hair to make yourself a mustache with them still attached.

* Just because I'm at a pretend wedding reception, it doesn't mean I have to use wedding reception voice. Wedding reception voice doesn't lead to Voice of Tomorrow voice. (Though, an interesting vocal tidbit I picked up from my last show is that if you're able to meow, your voice is good enough to perform. I have my own way of meowing, which is an impression of my friend Loran's girlfriend, demanding that he locate her some skittles post-haste. Several of you immediately know what I'm talking about.

* And finally, my ass and junk have never been molested so much in my entire life. I was warned this might occur, and of course I made the joke that that such interaction would be no problem with me at all. That's before I met social worker Trista, whom not only snuck a flask into the ceremony, whom not only needed to lean on me to prevent the floor from moving, but when I told her it was time for her to get her dinner, she saw that as her opening to plummet her hand down my pants. Apparently, she was REALLY hungry. Hey-O! Anyhow, long story short, I'm engaged.

All that being said, I am, of course, having the most fun I've ever had in a show since college. Not to get all mushy, but this show is wall-to-wall some of the most talented performers I've had the pleasure to work with, and our only purpose is to ensure the audience has a great f-ing time.

And somehow, we end up having a great f-ing time as well.

*Soft and hard. hehhehhehheh
** Please refer to the time I got beat up by all the NHL Mascots at the All-Star game in 2004 in front of a thousand cheering patrons.

Josh's Public Service Announcement

PSA Barry Wheeler & Connie Mocogni from Ben Thietje on Vimeo.

Josh Already Picks Up on the Theme of 2009, or Josh Changes the Format to his Blog Titles

We're only three days deep into this 2009 bitch,* yet already, a theme has emerged:

The Date: August 8th, 2009
The event: The wedding of Andrea Carson and Peter Osswoski
The Relation to Me: I'm Andrea's cousin, haven been all my life. I was alerted to my plans for the eighth day of August in the year twenty 'aught nine a year before the day was to happen. My plans are simply this: Be the drunken cousin that attends this joyous union, drink everything that I can, hit on as many bridesmaids and/or single ladies (They'll be easy to spot, as Beyonce orders them to put their hands up) because they're twenty-three, pass out and/or puke on someone that can direct me up into my hotel room.

The Date: January 15th, 2009 ongoing through every weekend until question mark.
The event: The fictional wedding of my fictional best friend Anthony Nunzio to his fictional sweetheart Valentina Vitale.
The Relation to Me: I'm the fictional best man, Barry Wheeler, alongside my nine-month preggo maid of honor, Connie. My duties are various and entertaining and tickets to said event can be ordered at www.actorsmn.org and this wedding will forever change your life.**

The Date: October 10th, 2009
The event: The wedding of Jacob Carson and Destiny Anderson
The Relation to Me: Jake's my brother! You can tell because whenever I see him, I say "Hey brother!" Ergo, instead of being paid to a pretend best man, I'm going to be using all my pretend Best-Man money to be a real best man. Yay!
The Jokes I Plan To Use In My Toast Regarding Jake's Fiance's Name: "I knew this wedding was going to happen. I mean, after all, it was destiny." "If you guys ever have a kid, we can call it Destiny's child." "Jake and Destiny are each others density. I mean, destiny!" (I encourage you to come up with your own that I will later steal.)
The Irrational Reaction: Notice anything about that date? It's around the same time as Joshtober Fest 30, which we all know is the Joshtober Fest that's going to take us to Vegas or some exotic port of call. Has anyone seen my thunder? I have reason to believe that it's been STOLEN!

The Date: January 9th, 2009
The event: The dual weddings of former best Friends Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, whom accidentally book their weddings on the same day at both girls dream venue. The brides are currently at war with one another, engaging with cruel pranks that are supposedly funny to everyone who isn't them. Though they hate each other now, early speculation leads us to believe they will eventually learn lessons that'll make them better people, and then dance during the credits.
The Relation to Me: None. Avoidance as if it were to give me some sort of mutant AIDS. Although, at least every teenage girl in the country is learning that the only thing that they should ever desire is to have a wedding, regardless of happiness or partner.

*Maybe by the time you read this, it's the fourth or fifth day. And instead of a bitch, maybe it's an effeminate dude.
** Better get used to me plugging this show every chance I get.

Here we go again. Again.

Hello Blog. It's me.

Listen, I'm gonna' cut right to the chase here, I've been ignoring you. But not anymore. We're going to bring this bitch back to the glory days. No, screw that, the new days are gonna' make the glory days look like the last days of Pompeii!

And I realize I make this declaration at least once a month, and we're at the starting line of a new year, and everybody makes lofty, idealized goals that flat line before the hangover's lifted, but this time I mean it baby! Let's make this work again!

This is Josh at the start of 2009:

I still reside in the Perpetually 1986 apartment. There was hope of escape, but some prick named Dean Barkley ran for senate and yadda-yadda-yadda, Josh can't leave 1986 until the end of May. My landlady aka Sgt. Coo-Coo Bananas is still Coo-Coo Bananas. She's in town for the holidays, and she's been letting herself in when I'm not here and, among other things, cleaning and turning down my heat.

My show "Casting Christmas" ended its run on New Years Eve. If the show were Bruce Willis, then the final weekend was Hans Gruber shooting the glass forcing the bare-footed badass to limp his way to the finish line. A majority of the cast was stricken with SARS, rendering me the best singer in the entire ensemble. (Keep in mind on opening night, the director suggested I "forget" to turn on my mic during the songs) One-by-one, all the cast was infected, culminating in our lead child actress to puke herself out of the closing show, forcing a mid-show Bewitched switch. In the end, I was the only cast member to be uninfected. I credit my health to Airborne and excessive drinking, which kills germs AND brain cells, neither of which I need.

Tony N' Tina's Wedding opens in a week and we are currently in intensive all-day rehearsals. It's a strange process because the audience is the final and most important cast member, and they've yet to show up to rehearsal. What I do know is that in my previous show I only appeared in a fourth of the show, but this one I'm out there for the full two and a half hours, and I have a song that the mic will be turned on for. If "Cha-Cha Slide" counts as a song.

All right blog, admittedly, I brought my C+ game to this missive, but you know what? It doesn't matter. Cause I'll be updating you again soon. Still not daily, but soon.